Unitarian Universalist Meeting of
“Anger, The Third ‘Deadly’ Sin”
Rev. Kathy Duhon
Welcome to the fourth in our series on understanding and overcoming brokenness in our relationships. As Unitarian Universalists, we have no theology of sin, but we are exploring the ancient Christian tradition of “deadly sins” in order to gain insight about being in right relationship. These are not at all the worst “sins” – not the most horrible human behavior – but rather are conditions that can lead to brokenness. I have been told that folks are already looking forward to my sermon on the deadly sin of lust, but you are just going to have to wait until the last one in this series.
This week we’re examining anger, and like the other so called “deadly sins”, it’s not necessarily going to cause brokenness in human relationships. Anger is an emotion that may be justified, necessary to us, and even vital for our personal well-being and for the well-being and justice of our world. We may have a rage to live, like Barbara Rohde in our grace note, or an anger at oppression that causes us to oppose its power in the world.
Anger is a natural process to be gone through, which can be helpful if we use it and are not used by it. Thich Nhat Hanh says that anger is a part of me, an energy that I can process, convert, into something positive like love. What we do or say in anger can be done with love, but where love is not present in a wholehearted way, then anger may be accompanied by violence or spite or fear or hatred or resentment, and then anger can lead to brokenness.
Anger is an emotion we all have experienced and struggled with – some more than others. Because of a variety of factors beyond our control, some folks have more of a tendency toward anger, some less. Sometimes we weary of anger and end up turning off that essential part of our being – I remember hearing Tony Kushner recently speak about deliberately having to keep his bile stoked in this wearying time when he’d sometimes rather just be complacent. All of us have a different relationship with anger, but all of us know anger.
We have heard various wisdoms about managing anger, such as, "Don't bottle up your anger," or, what Thomas Jefferson advised, "When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred." I don’t know how many folks count to a hundred.
The apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “So then, put away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Whatever one’s religion, we often try to work through our anger before bedtime.
Dealing with anger is partly simple self-preservation. There is a wonderful Buddhist teaching: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else – you are the one who gets burned.” Anger can chew up one’s innards and lead to stress and disease – both emotional and physical. We don’t want to get burned, nor does it do us or anyone else any good if we start fires by throwing our anger around.
One of the problems with thinking about anger is that we tend to make anger into a thing, a fixed quantity of stuff. If anger is a thing, then it can reside in us, take over us, be overwhelming. If anger is stuff, then you have to do something with that stuff, depending on your image -- if it's a flood of waters, you have to dam it; if it's your heart or mind on fire, you have to douse it; if it's a not-nice thing, you have to hide it; if it’s a foreign object in your being, you need to have surgery to remove it; if it's a natural thing, you feel okay to expose it.
Anger is not a thing, separate from our selves. Anger is a process. Processes involve movement and change, instead of being static. Growth is a process. Dying is a process. Growth and dying are intricately woven into the same tapestry. Anger is a process, like love is a process, and they are also intricately woven into the same fabric.
Buddhist Stephen Levine said, "Anger is a tape loop, it goes on and on, it arises uninvited." That is an image that makes the process sound scarily endless. Stephen Levine says he is an angry person, and this is a great surprise to those of us who have read his books on dying and living, listened to his gentle lectures and workshops, and experienced his peacefulness and compassion firsthand. Stephen is an expert on the process of anger, because anger is so much a part of him, as he believes. But since he sees it as a process, he can do something about the process, can interrupt the tape loop. He advises watching your anger, in a meditative way. He says, "Watching your anger gives you humor, then you see the grief. Anger is when love is not present. The investigation of anger is a key to love." To Stephen Levine, anger is something you work with, you investigate and come to understand and then you have followed the process into love instead of anger.
Jesus also gives a way out of the process of anger, as Stephen Levine does. If you are in anger, he said, then before you come to the altar -- before you try to follow your religious path -- go first to be reconciled with your brother or sister. You can change anger in meditation or in relationship, or both.
The image I keep of anger is of a tool at work, which is a process. Sometimes I see anger becoming an out of control hammer, knocking everybody, including smashing the person who is wielding the hammer. This process is not good. It is as endless as a tape loop and can be as filled with hate as murder. A smashing hammer is an image of disconnection, and this anger is about breaking things -- breaking relationships, breaking love, breaking life.
Some people think that we can get rid of anger by expressing it, but if we express it as a smashing hammer then we will keep the tape loop running, and this is what psychological research says happens most often when we think we are talking out our anger. We are actually rehearsing it, reinforcing it, refreshing it. We can express anger, but we have to be careful of the tool we choose – perhaps a weaving loom is a good image – we weave words or art, through journals or creativity or conversations, and then anger is incorporated into the pattern of the fabric of our whole lives.
Some people think that we can get rid of anger by venting it through some activity, such as a sport, or hitting a pillow. I know one woman who went through more than one pillow during her divorce. Venting can be like a screeching teapot, though, which left unattended and unchanneled, can eventually burn the house down. Studies have found that the countries with the most violent sports have the most wars, and that people are angrier after participating in violent sports than before. Venting can get out of control, especially when combined with drugs and alcohol. Instead of the image of a boiling pot releasing steam, which venting gives us, maybe the tool we should imagine is an engine, redirecting and converting angry energy into neutral or good uses, so we may be idling our engines – by pummeling pillows – or else driving forward with an energetic healthy activity that takes us to better places.
Anger as a tool at work can be a positive thing, for some things need to be broken. Not with violence or hatred, but anger can be a tool against injustice and oppression, and can righteously change a broken system. It is a painful process, but it is Spirit-filled, God-filled.
Universalist poet Carl Sandburg wrote this inspiring prayer,
Lay me on an anvil, O God,
Beat me and hammer me into a crowbar.
Let me pry loose old walls.
Let me lift and loosen old foundations.
This is an image I have of anger. Anger is a tool to use, not for us to use for our own selfish needs, but for the Holy to use through us. We can all be crowbars, prying loose old walls and lifting and loosening old foundations, though this is not easy work.
Our anger can be the process by which horrible stuff gets changed, gets broken down, whether in our daily relationships, or in our communities, or in the interdependent web of all existence, of which we are a part.
We should confront others in anger, but only if we are using the tool, not being used by it, and using anger as a Holy tool, not letting anger control us. We use the tool of anger when we are loving, reconciling, working through to a more positive future through the process of being angry.
If anger is a thing, we might hold onto it, or we might try to hide it, or dump it, but anger is not best imagined as a thing, because we are stuck with anger if we see it that way. If anger is a process, like a crowbar lifting up what is negative and getting rid of the crumbling mess, or a loom creating the tapestry of new life, or an engine driving us to the future, then the process will proceed and we will use the tool to arrive at a new beginning. The process of love involves beginnings and building and growing, and is intricately woven with the angry process that ends and breaks and clears away all that messiness so that love is able to grow.
I invite you to speak for a few minutes on what you understand about anger….
Blessed be the process of anger -- may we watch it, investigate it, break up what is hard by it, and reconcile our lives through it. May the process of anger be ever accompanied by love. Amen.